Compassionate Comedian Gifts

'I found them on the side of the road, they said they would love to help out our charity drive.'

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

'I'd invite you in but my box is a mess.'

"Is that all?"

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'How much would you take off for cash?'

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

'Either you say 'I do' or you don't -- You can't plead nolo contendere.'

Applause

"I guess your reputation for tipping has preceded you!"

'Sharing the same skin-type is fine. But, as a basis for a stable marriage...'

We met online.

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'I know you love her and want to protect her. But it's wrong to laminate her.'

"...and are you, Jessica, committed to this bit?"

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

Banana

'Look, Brother Timothy - a sign from God!'

And do you, Sue, believe this is the best you can do? / It was a simple ceremony. Perhaps a little too simple.

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

'Why do I have the felling that your parents don't trust me?'

"So, tell me, how many guys have you slept with?"

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 5

"As long as we're renewing our vows anyway, I've come up with a few new ones."

"I'm afraid antibiotics aren't of much use for a broken heart!"

"Closed until further notice."

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."