Compassionate Comedian Gifts

'I found them on the side of the road, they said they would love to help out our charity drive.'

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

It's ok - I'm empathizing vicariously through him.

'I'd invite you in but my box is a mess.'

"Is that all?"

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'How much would you take off for cash?'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

'Either you say 'I do' or you don't -- You can't plead nolo contendere.'

Applause

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"I guess your reputation for tipping has preceded you!"

We met online.

Banana

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'Sharing the same skin-type is fine. But, as a basis for a stable marriage...'

"...and are you, Jessica, committed to this bit?"

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.

You may have hired the best lawyer but I don't think that you can sue God because of a downgoing Dow Jones, sir.

'I know you love her and want to protect her. But it's wrong to laminate her.'

'Look, Brother Timothy - a sign from God!'

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

And do you, Sue, believe this is the best you can do? / It was a simple ceremony. Perhaps a little too simple.

'Why do I have the felling that your parents don't trust me?'

'You were so right about twin beds spicing things up.'

Dating Rule #1. Repeat after me: I need some space. I need some space. Got it. Good. Make sure you tell that to Laurel all the time. But

"So, tell me, how many guys have you slept with?"

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."