Ethical Comedian Gifts

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

"Yes, I'm vegan and no longer eat the prey animals but it's still a lot of fun to kill them!"

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unless you're sure they can't hit back."

Ethics exam cheater.

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

"Can I get this to go in an organic, locally recycled, eco-friendly doggie bag?"

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Climate Conference. I'm glad you enjoyed my speech, but please don't call it the "high-water mark."

Where's my global warming?

"Brilliant! And then all they have to do is stop them flying at night."

Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He's not going to win. He was the first to announce. No first-announcer has won since 1952. Besides, his name's too similar to Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is so not in right now. HOJ. We should have our own political show. If I an do it shirtless, I'm in.

'So there's global warming. What possible harm could it do?'

'I'd say that our transport policy couldn't get any greener'

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

Future Medicare Prescription Drug Plans: 'When I grow up, help me enjoy my retirement years. But if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.'

Paper Bath Towels.

Will work for manure.

Always let you conscience be your guide. I let my conscience be my guide, but it's non-binding.

"Russia is run by rich oligarchs. America is run by rich insurance companies."

'It's a very common plant on earth.'

Trump in Washington

"Hide? What do you mean hide? We are literally camouflage and they still eat us!"

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

"He can't tell his left from his right."

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

"O.K., so no animals were harmed, but were they adequately compensated?"

'What kind of mileage do you get?'

"Goddamn it Randy, the constitution gives us the right to bear arms..."

The Slumber Party.

Cheeky Devil and Thief LTD

Now THAT was a speech with something for everybody!

Gary Johnson

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."