Ethical Comedian Gifts

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

"Yes, I'm vegan and no longer eat the prey animals but it's still a lot of fun to kill them!"

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unless you're sure they can't hit back."

Ethics exam cheater.

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

"Can I get this to go in an organic, locally recycled, eco-friendly doggie bag?"

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

Where's my global warming?

"Brilliant! And then all they have to do is stop them flying at night."

'I'd say that our transport policy couldn't get any greener'

'So there's global warming. What possible harm could it do?'

Future Medicare Prescription Drug Plans: 'When I grow up, help me enjoy my retirement years. But if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.'

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

Paper Bath Towels.

Will work for manure.

'It's a very common plant on earth.'

"Hide? What do you mean hide? We are literally camouflage and they still eat us!"

"He can't tell his left from his right."

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

"Russia is run by rich oligarchs. America is run by rich insurance companies."

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

'All profits go directly to charity'

"There's no such thing as a vegan flytrap."

Campaign Headquarters: For a $500 contribution, the candidate will shake your hand ans sustain eye contact with you for five seconds.

Now THAT was a speech with something for everybody!

Cheeky Devil and Thief LTD

"O.K., so no animals were harmed, but were they adequately compensated?"

'What kind of mileage do you get?'

The Slumber Party.

Gary Johnson

"Goddamn it Randy, the constitution gives us the right to bear arms..."

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."