Career Comedists Pillows

"Are you a yes man or a no man?"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"We can speak freely now. I've encrypted the line."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"I'm sorry, but Fred isn't available. He's spending a few days in the penalty box for not being a good team player. May I help you?"

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

"We've decided to give you a bonus, Rick. It's any change you find under the cushions."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

'I don't want just a bunch of 'yes' men around here! Hire a couple of women!'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

Football Delivery

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."