Self-deprecating Humorists Pillows

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"God help us, it's that guy."

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"The most common adverse vaccine reaction after the first dose is trying to get the second dose."

'I sculpt what I see, Miss Delsey.'

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

Bad Scalp Day

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

Me at 22 vs. me at 29

"Our guest for the ceasefire meeting has arrived!"