Self-deprecating Humorist Pillows

'I claim this mountain in the name of all underachievers everywhere!'

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

I am a total nut job

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

A bald man missing his hair.

'Loser on Board'

Uneasy lies the head that wears a cheap toupee to bed.

'I was never a big fan of running, anyway.'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

The Quack Quack Diaries: The George Broderick Diaries

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"God help us, it's that guy."

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

We bonded over a shared lack of assertiveness. Vive la diffidence!

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

'Relax! I just read somewhere that 142 pounds is the new 125!'

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'