Self-deprecating Humorist Pillows

'I claim this mountain in the name of all underachievers everywhere!'

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

I am a total nut job

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

A bald man missing his hair.

'Loser on Board'

Uneasy lies the head that wears a cheap toupee to bed.

'I was never a big fan of running, anyway.'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"God help us, it's that guy."

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

Bad Scalp Day

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

Cool comb over dude!

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

Books called: "Will Never Be Finished", "Ain't Gonna Happen", "Nope" etc.