Self-deprecating Humor Admirer Pillows

Books called: "Will Never Be Finished", "Ain't Gonna Happen", "Nope" etc.

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"God help us, it's that guy."

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"It must be near New Year's Day...There are Easter eggs in the shop windows!"

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"Normally this is where I would say something funny but the cartoonist is quiet quitting, too."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"I guess the German takeover was successful."

'Bad man... you're a bad man!'

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

"Back in 15 min."

'That's no lady - she hasn't even shaved her armpits.'

"This pizza party tastes a lot like layoffs."

'It was the only white thing I had.'

Damnation without relief means there is no Ladies Room.

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

Bad Scalp Day

'Unfortunately, it's fighting an uphill battle against our first name, which is 'Apathy.''

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'