Self-deprecating Humor Admirer Pillows

Books called: "Will Never Be Finished", "Ain't Gonna Happen", "Nope" etc.

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"God help us, it's that guy."

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"It must be near New Year's Day...There are Easter eggs in the shop windows!"

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"Normally this is where I would say something funny but the cartoonist is quiet quitting, too."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

"This pizza party tastes a lot like layoffs."

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

'That's no lady - she hasn't even shaved her armpits.'

'Bad man... you're a bad man!'

"I guess the German takeover was successful."

"Back in 15 min."

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'It was the only white thing I had.'

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

Damnation without relief means there is no Ladies Room.

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

Bad Scalp Day

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

'Unfortunately, it's fighting an uphill battle against our first name, which is 'Apathy.''

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check