Self-deprecating Enthusiast Pillows

"He only became an umpire to hide his bald spot and his big pot!"

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"God help us, it's that guy."

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

'Ah, it seems that I've completely misjudged the mood of the evening.'

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

Bad Scalp Day

"I'm trying to decide between a cocktail with a cute name and one that's blatantly sexual."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

Cool comb over dude!

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

"I should warn you. Men are animals, and I'm no exception."

"Ha ha. Stop by and say hello to your mother. Ha ha, that's a good one!"