Self-deprecating Enthusiast Pillows

"He only became an umpire to hide his bald spot and his big pot!"

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"God help us, it's that guy."

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

'Ah, it seems that I've completely misjudged the mood of the evening.'

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

Bad Scalp Day

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

"I'm trying to decide between a cocktail with a cute name and one that's blatantly sexual."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

Cool comb over dude!

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

Actually, calling me one-dimensional isn't much of an insult

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

"Ha ha. Stop by and say hello to your mother. Ha ha, that's a good one!"