Self-deprecation Aficionados Pillows

'Felton,has it occured to you that you may have taken a talent for self-effacement a bit too far?'

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

"God help us, it's that guy."

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

Booger-Boy Scandal 4: 'I just need to craft the text well enough to shut everyone up. . . I sincerely wish they'd all shut up and go away.'

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

Mothers Without Borders

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

Adam: The magazine by Adam, about Adam!

'A sincere apology costs nothing and it's a smart career move.'

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

Cool comb over dude!

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

'What's your idea of the perfect woman? One that likes short, fat, middle-aged men.'

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

'I've not had enough sex in my life - and I can't do poetry for toffee. . .gosh, could I murder a coffee.'