Self-deprecation Fan Pillows

'Why do they always pick on me...?'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"God help us, it's that guy."

"I attended a leadership seminar, they learnt a lot from me."

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"Travel changed me."

Specialising in Multiple Personality Disorder

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

"Narcissus! Pay attention!"

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

Bad Scalp Day

'Plastic Surgery, come as you are and leave as you wish'

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."