Self-deprecation Fan Pillows

'Why do they always pick on me...?'

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"I attended a leadership seminar, they learnt a lot from me."

"God help us, it's that guy."

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Push yourself. No one else is going to do it for you. The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. You will never know your limits unless you push yourself to them. Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is worth fighting for. Passion is pushing yourself when no one else is around. Are you two going to help on not?! I thought we were.

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"Travel changed me."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

Specialising in Multiple Personality Disorder

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

Bad Scalp Day

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

"Narcissus! Pay attention!"

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

'Plastic Surgery, come as you are and leave as you wish'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."