Self-deprecation Artist Pillows

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"God help us, it's that guy."

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'I'm a narcissist? - Are you saying I'm not perfect?'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"Never laugh at your wife's choices ... you're one of them."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

'Has there ever been such a sickly group of rugged individualists.'

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

Bad Scalp Day

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

Actually, calling me one-dimensional isn't much of an insult

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

"I've finished shovelling and am for the most part satisfied with the results, but I'll rest now and look at it again in the morning."