Self-deprecating Comedian Pillows

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

Bad Scalp Day

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"God help us, it's that guy."

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

'Has there ever been such a sickly group of rugged individualists.'

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

Cool comb over dude!

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

"I'm sorry, but we can't be responsible for which way the arrow points."

"Society is so PC these days - I can't even poke fun at myself without offending someone."

"I should warn you. Men are animals, and I'm no exception."

'What's your idea of the perfect woman? One that likes short, fat, middle-aged men.'