Self-deprecating Jokester Pillows

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

Can't even hold signs well.

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"God help us, it's that guy."

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"I hope your day is going bad."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

We bonded over a shared lack of assertiveness. Vive la diffidence!

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

'Tender and Juicy.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

Bad Scalp Day

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

"Oh, Jeez! A pube in my tea! How the heck did that get there?"

Bart firmly believes that he is the result of intelligent design.

Summer Reading

"An olive or a twist?"

'Of course you get TV here. You just don't get the remote.'

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"