Self-deprecating Jokester Pillows

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"God help us, it's that guy."

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"I hope your day is going bad."

'Tender and Juicy.'

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

"An olive or a twist?"

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

Summer Reading

'Of course you get TV here. You just don't get the remote.'

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

Bart firmly believes that he is the result of intelligent design.

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

Bad Scalp Day

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."