Spiteful Jokester Pillows

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Leaving cards.

"Honey! A Jewish starfish!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"So tell me about your last poop."

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

"I hope your day is going bad."

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

'Tender and Juicy.'

'They come down here to smoke.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

'Of course you get TV here. You just don't get the remote.'

Politics Books

'How can you tell?'

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

"An olive or a twist?"

Summer Reading

'Yes, it is a 'wonderful discovery'. But whatever you do, don't touch it!'

"With the right training an enterprising young man like yourself could do well in white-collar crime."

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

'Why would I want a useless little man hanging around the garden when I've already married one!'

Too-Humble Pie.

"I thought we said no presents!"

Freezing Penguins