Spiteful Jokester Gifts

"Oh, Jeez! A pube in my tea! How the heck did that get there?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Leaving cards.

"Honey! A Jewish starfish!"

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

"So tell me about your last poop."

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"I hope your day is going bad."

'Tender and Juicy.'

'They come down here to smoke.'

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

Summer Reading

Politics Books

'How can you tell?'

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

'Of course you get TV here. You just don't get the remote.'

"An olive or a twist?"

'Yes, it is a 'wonderful discovery'. But whatever you do, don't touch it!'

"With the right training an enterprising young man like yourself could do well in white-collar crime."

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

'Why would I want a useless little man hanging around the garden when I've already married one!'

Too-Humble Pie.

"Have you seen my sticks?"

"I thought we said no presents!"