Self-deprecating Humor Aficionado Pillows

"Without Alice's job, we'd need a grant to keep us in the middle class."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

Can't even hold signs well.

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

The Thinker. The Listener

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"God help us, it's that guy."

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'It's an emergency, Doctor. The vitamin company needs an endorsement.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Eeeeek!!! My okay to this one night stand must have been faked by Cambridge Analytica!!"

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"Three years running 'fake news' websites? You're just what we're looking for!"

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

Craft gallery. Fudge Shoppe. Bike rentals. Clear-cut woods for luxury condos. The sure signs that we've arrived! Right. At our wilderness getaway! Almost a lake view. For sale.

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"Fenwick, do you see any mistletoe on my coattail?"

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Goes To College

"And make sure you give me a paper straw... gotta do my bit for the planet."

Next Terrifying Military Threats

'Nothing much happened in the Middle East today.... Ha! -- Just kidding.'

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

Addicted to Oil

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

"The world isn't ready for a book like this. How would you feel about publishing it posthumously?"

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'