Self-deprecating Humor Aficionado Pillows

"Without Alice's job, we'd need a grant to keep us in the middle class."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

Can't even hold signs well.

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'It's an emergency, Doctor. The vitamin company needs an endorsement.'

"God help us, it's that guy."

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Three years running 'fake news' websites? You're just what we're looking for!"

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"Fenwick, do you see any mistletoe on my coattail?"

"And make sure you give me a paper straw... gotta do my bit for the planet."

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'Nothing much happened in the Middle East today.... Ha! -- Just kidding.'

"The world isn't ready for a book like this. How would you feel about publishing it posthumously?"

Doomsdayer waves sign saying 'The world isn't going to end, it's just going to suck'.