Self-deprecation Aficionado Pillows

Insult-your-weight machine.

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

"This next one's called 'Song for Me'."

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"God help us, it's that guy."

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

'You've probably heard of me. I'm an author, consultant and lecturer in the fields of authoring, consulting and lecturing.'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'Someone stole my identity, didn't like it and sent it back.'

"Look at me, everyone! I'm amazing!"

Psychiatry. I keep thinking the same bad thoughts over and over! An "emotional baggage carousel"!

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

'Are you having a mid-life crisis?', 'Let's hope so.'

"Well, for starters I'd like to thank me."

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

Bad Scalp Day

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

Actually, calling me one-dimensional isn't much of an insult

"Who's gorgeous face is this I see? Is it a special person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with?"

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

Cool comb over dude!