Self-deprecation Aficionado Pillows

Insult-your-weight machine.

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

"This next one's called 'Song for Me'."

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

"God help us, it's that guy."

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

'You've probably heard of me. I'm an author, consultant and lecturer in the fields of authoring, consulting and lecturing.'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'Someone stole my identity, didn't like it and sent it back.'

"Look at me, everyone! I'm amazing!"

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

'Are you having a mid-life crisis?', 'Let's hope so.'

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

"Well, for starters I'd like to thank me."

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

Bad Scalp Day

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

Cool comb over dude!

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'