Self-deprecating Humor Pillows

"Nope, never did a TED Talk or performed on 'The Moth.' I'm Dennis, the fish guy from Price Chopper."

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"God help us, it's that guy."

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

Bad Scalp Day

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

Cool comb over dude!

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

'I've not had enough sex in my life - and I can't do poetry for toffee. . .gosh, could I murder a coffee.'

"I should warn you. Men are animals, and I'm no exception."