Self-deprecating Humor Pillows

"Nope, never did a TED Talk or performed on 'The Moth.' I'm Dennis, the fish guy from Price Chopper."

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

The Quack Quack Diaries: The George Broderick Diaries

"God help us, it's that guy."

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

Bad Scalp Day

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

Actually, calling me one-dimensional isn't much of an insult

Cool comb over dude!

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

"I should warn you. Men are animals, and I'm no exception."