Self-deprecating Comedian Gifts

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

Bad Scalp Day

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

Can't even hold signs well.

"God help us, it's that guy."

'My arms are getting shorter.'

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Gastroenterology...do I know that?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I'm having a bad forehead day."

We bonded over a shared lack of assertiveness. Vive la diffidence!

Al, I hear that only one out of 100 art school graduates goes on to make a living in art. That's where I was smart, Axel: I flunked out!

'I decided I need something to draw the eye away from my bald patch.'

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

Man wearing t-shirt with "As seen" slogan

"Mike, I know you're happy with your new toupee, but I really think it's something that you should keep under you hat."

"If you can read this, tell me if I need to hike up my pants."

'Our family is so ugly, we keep the negatives instead of the pictures in the photo album!'

"Last year I didn't meet any of my work goals, so this year my goal is to fail at everything"

'Has there ever been such a sickly group of rugged individualists.'

'You swam with dolphins?! I'm impressed.' 'Don't be. They laughed at my butterfly stroke. Dolphins can be quite cruel.'

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

"My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis."

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you - does this suit make me look fat?"

'- and I was so embarrassed last night, you danced like a man with two left fe----!!!'

Cool comb over dude!

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

"Whenever I try telling a joke...everyone laughs at me."

'What's your idea of the perfect woman? One that likes short, fat, middle-aged men.'

"I should warn you. Men are animals, and I'm no exception."