Comedian Hopeful Gifts

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

"Don't think of this birthday as you're getting older. Think of it as being one day closer to irritable bowel syndrome."

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies

'My imaginary playmate squealed on me!'

"When I grow up, I want to be a Presidential impersonator on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

'When I said you'd have to jump through hoops, I meant you'll have to literally jump through hoops.'

"It's a battle of wills - I'm refusing to do anything for his 'funny cat videos' web page."

"I'm the Grin Reaper."

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'There is not a thing that medical science can do for you. Have you tried 'wishful thinking'?'