Comedian-to-be Gifts

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Three more years of high school."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Rap music

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Toy plane with pilot eject.

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

A private jet takes off

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

Rodin's Thinker.

Exit Next Left

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

Clubbing

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.