Comedian In Training Gifts

The over-40 workout

"I think they call it a miracle drug because it'll be a miracle if I can get the cap off."

'I told him you were an ice cream vendor. You take it from here.'

Assertiveness Training Institute: 'What are you looking at?'

'I stopped watching Sesame Street the second I found out it was educational.'

'Sure the grades are bad, but on the bright side I'm achieving consistency in my academic brand.'

'Your attention everybody! -- There's a 'severe foot watch' in effect until four o'clock this afternoon.'

'What? . . .When you cross a hospital vehicle with a pig?. . .A Hambulance!'

'If no one claims it in 30 days, it's yours.'

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

"Having reviewed your accounts in detail I think your best option is to run around in circles screaming 'Dear God, I'm bankrupt. How did this happen. . . I'm ruined, ruined!"

'He says he's training to be a world champion weightlifter - With a knife and fork.'

'He reckons my wisdom teeth are RETARDED!'

'You suck!'

'I'm returning the parrot. He doesn't roll his r's...'

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

"You say you want me to do well in school. I thought you'd be more excited that I can burp the alphabet!"

"I tried to warn Timmy about saying all those tongue twisters ... "

'So, you're taking David for an ice-cream - what do you want from me?'

Cartoonist Checkups

(Visual gag) Wet T-shirt Competition A group of guys yelling out excitedly to a rack of wet T-shirts

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'But you're the one who told me to learn one new word every day.'

'Maybe now you'll quit complaining we never go anywhere!'

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

'I quit! I'm sick of the hole thing.'

'We don't have anxiety - we cause it.'

"I don't like jockeys. They ride up on me."

"Of course I love school...but I love no more cafeteria food more."

'I only asked the cashier to check my balance... and he pushed me over!'

"When I'm really bored I just lick myself and trip out."

"No way am I doing maths for another seven years!"

"Three more years of high school."

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

Hey pitcher, the only thing uglier than your face is your fastball! Your arm's limper than overcooked linguini! My dead great grandmother could hit that curveball! I love sports.