College-bound Comedian Gifts

'I'm at that awkward age when I can't read my own handwriting. Do they teach penmanship in college?'

I've got some good news and some bad news, Axel. The good news is that you've been accepted to college. The bad news is that it's Trump University. !!!

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

'Hmph. College kids.'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

Professor Wiles grows insufferable.

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

'Mutation and natural selection? - That sounds awfully STRESSFUL!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I'm on the short degree course... hell of a lot to pack into one year!'

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

Don't you hate...

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Scientists continue their research on the Hippocampus.

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies