College Humorist Gifts

College: 'We do not discriminate on the basis of race, age, sex, or religion. Students must simply be able to afford $20,000 tuition per year.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'I'm sorry, but we simply can't allow you to graduate. Your coursework is complete, and your grades are exemplary, but you apparently failed to attend the group icebreakers during freshman orientation week... which as you know, were mandatory.'

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

'I'm sorry...we're not sure you're self obsessed enough.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"We're lucky the Peace Corps sent us a Princeton man."

"I was the first in my family to lie about going to college."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

'I'm with the Campus Police, ma'am... we had a tip than someone in this dorm may be reading for pleasure.'

'Like many others, I did experiment a little with catnip when I was in college....'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

"My kids have called so many times from college askign for money that I asked to be put on the no call list."

"When I was about five, I pretended my teddy bear was my boyfriend. . . after the guys I've dated here, I think teddy was a better choice!"

Carl can't make up his mind

Someone's making the dean's list.

'In gym at school, we used bean bags to exercise!'

Talk the talk...

'There are four years of knowledge under this cap, and four years of pizza under this gown.'

'Who knew college would prep me for a first class upgrade?'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

Econ 101. Come on, come on! What's the first law of economics?! I could supply the answer if you weren't so demanding.

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

Little known fact: I spent a semester at Reed College in Portland. "Little known facts" are supposed to be momentous. Well, the little known fact is, while I was there, I asked a lady out

"All I needed to know, I learned in kindergarten. That's why I'm flunking out."

"Dear Alex, how are things at college? Your mother and I wanted to know if you might send us some money..."

'Hmph. College kids.'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

Professor Wiles grows insufferable.

'So what are you studying, young man?'