Higher Ed Comedian Gifts

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

Professor Wiles grows insufferable.

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I'm on the short degree course... hell of a lot to pack into one year!'

Don't you hate...

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Scientists continue their research on the Hippocampus.

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"Yes, next year you'll be moving from classroom to classrooms, and, no, it doesn't count as PE."

University. I never really understood geometry until the instructor brought up pizzas.

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

'I'm taking the 'learn from my mistakes' approach to education.'

"I think our daughter should change her major. She can now ask for money in 3 different languages!"

Popular college book: How to say 'Send money' in 101 languages.

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

"Mom, Dad, college changed me."