Higher Learning Humorist Gifts

"The only reason I consider today's universities 'higher education' is the legalization of marijuana."

"I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"If a third grader knows the answer, how much of a problem can it really be?"

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Freind: 'Misspelled, anything helps.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

"So, what's gonna be your favorite class?"

'Right, who threw that?' (giant pupil in class).

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"Check it out! In nature, females are in charge...they select their mates!"

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"Is this a 'GOTCHA' question?"

"I lost my taste for his homework when it came burned on a CD."

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

"Some school - They teach us about the Fifth Amendment, but they won't let us use it on TESTS!"

"A simple note from your mother would have sufficed, Tommy."

Monitor lizard becomes milk monitor.

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

Math Teacher

Four olives and a toothpick on Newton's Cradle.

'Ms. Blumter, please get me a copy of Educational Leadership for Dummies.'

"I DO have a note from my doctor...but nobody can read it!"