Graduate Humorist Gifts

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"I've thought about retiring, but there's a great deal of gravity under this chair."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Old men,"I have terrible trouble with my joints..the cannabis keeps falling out."

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.