Graduate Humorist Gifts

'I'm still trying to decide if I should join the workforce or get my masters in staying.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"I've thought about retiring, but there's a great deal of gravity under this chair."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

University. I never really understood geometry until the instructor brought up pizzas.

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Old men,"I have terrible trouble with my joints..the cannabis keeps falling out."

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'