Bachelor Humorist Gifts

'Will you be dining alone tonight, Sir?'

The adult swim.

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

University. I never really understood geometry until the instructor brought up pizzas.

"You're not going anywhere, young man, until you probe and release your catch!"

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

'I'm taking the 'learn from my mistakes' approach to education.'

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

'My school has a very strict detention policy.'