Academia Humorist Gifts

"I hope you're not expecting a tip."

"Is doing the report completely in emojis considered plagiarism?"

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Thirty years in academia and all I got was this chair.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

University. I never really understood geometry until the instructor brought up pizzas.

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'