Academic Humorist Gifts

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

'I admit I fabricated data, but I didn't falsify any, and I didn't plagiarize.'

'And finally, sir, would you like your burger flipped by a Ph.D. in Philosophy, History or English Literature?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

A teacher walks into a classroom full of chatting students; once he starts to talk the students fall asleep.

Parent-Teacher Conferences: 'The bad news is your son failed every test I gave this term. The good news is that we know he's not abusing any mind-expanding drugs.'

"They said he had to post his office hours, but they didn't say where."

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

Publish or Perish: 'Welcome to the Team. Remember, if you follow the University Motto, you'll do fine...'

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'I was made Professor Emeritus before my time.'

'I know I failed all the tests and never handed in any finished assignments. So what's your point?'

We like to show the endowment to newly tenured professors.

'I always thought that meant the time after students returned from Spring Break.'

'I've been learning a lot, but I do terribly on tests.'

'Professor Horvath's 'Intro to Existentialism' lecture was famously concise.'

"...but our most useful publication is the 'Journal of don't-do-it: it's-already-been-done'."

"Thank you for submitting the enclosed research paper. Unfortunately, it did not pass our laugh test."

"I'm sorry, Prolf. Minskov, but that article on Minskov's theory...they want someone else to write it."

'Agreed, 'Laplace Algebra Matrix Expansion' is a good topic, but we'd better find a better acronym if we want to secure a Research Grant...'

'That won't do James! As my student, you need to make me a co-author and cite at least two of my papers in every one of your publications!'

A Guide to Academic Gowns and Hoods

'Doctor, I believe you've found the formula for success.'

'At £9,000 a year it's time to start worrying about 'owe' levels!'

"I can bite people. I have tenure."

"Everyone flunked Economics this semester. Interest rates were low."

'This is a prototypical scholarly book. It has no purpose.'

"Jenkins, shouldn't you be in assembly"

'Granted we have to do the research. And we can do some research on the research. but I don't think we should get involved in research on research on research.'

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

Strange that every teacher crossed out the original comment and wrote XLANT!

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

Hoist With His Own Petard