Academic Humorist Gifts

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

'I admit I fabricated data, but I didn't falsify any, and I didn't plagiarize.'

'And finally, sir, would you like your burger flipped by a Ph.D. in Philosophy, History or English Literature?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

A teacher walks into a classroom full of chatting students; once he starts to talk the students fall asleep.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

"They said he had to post his office hours, but they didn't say where."

Parent-Teacher Conferences: 'The bad news is your son failed every test I gave this term. The good news is that we know he's not abusing any mind-expanding drugs.'

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

Publish or Perish: 'Welcome to the Team. Remember, if you follow the University Motto, you'll do fine...'

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

'I was made Professor Emeritus before my time.'

'I always thought that meant the time after students returned from Spring Break.'

We like to show the endowment to newly tenured professors.

'I know I failed all the tests and never handed in any finished assignments. So what's your point?'

"Thank you for submitting the enclosed research paper. Unfortunately, it did not pass our laugh test."

A Guide to Academic Gowns and Hoods

'That won't do James! As my student, you need to make me a co-author and cite at least two of my papers in every one of your publications!'

'Professor Horvath's 'Intro to Existentialism' lecture was famously concise.'

'I've been learning a lot, but I do terribly on tests.'

'Agreed, 'Laplace Algebra Matrix Expansion' is a good topic, but we'd better find a better acronym if we want to secure a Research Grant...'

"I'm sorry, Prolf. Minskov, but that article on Minskov's theory...they want someone else to write it."

"...but our most useful publication is the 'Journal of don't-do-it: it's-already-been-done'."

"I can bite people. I have tenure."

Hoist With His Own Petard

'Congratulations, Phillip. you've managed to score somehow lower than chance.'

'This is a prototypical scholarly book. It has no purpose.'

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

'Doctor, I believe you've found the formula for success.'

Strange that every teacher crossed out the original comment and wrote XLANT!

'Granted we have to do the research. And we can do some research on the research. but I don't think we should get involved in research on research on research.'

'At £9,000 a year it's time to start worrying about 'owe' levels!'

'Well, your script is indeed completely incomprehensible. From now on you're entitled to wear a pigtail and call yourself 'Intellectual'.'

"Jenkins, shouldn't you be in assembly"