Academic Humor Enthusiast Gifts

'And in conclusion.'

Beggar's sign: 'No common sense, but a wonderful test taker.'

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

'Your wife hasn't broken the law, professor - she can leave you even if you do have tenure.'

Are you sure this is the best way to fill the endowed chair?

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.

'Physical or Social Science?'

"My research paper wasn't accepted by any of the juried publications, but it's regarded throughout the academic community as highly downloadable."

"I don't do well on standardized testing. I blame it on standardized tests."

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

Out of work lecturer.

"You can outsource homework, but outsourcing a test would be very tricky."

"I do foster a close relationship with my students. Why, just the other day, the kid who sits near the front there said I was his or her favourite teacher."

Tenure Beach/Adjunct Area

"Some other kid stole my identity and got all my 'A's."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

'Carl Jung loses it...' 'don't tell me I made a Freudian slip - it's a Jungian slip!'

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'What's the fist thing you're going to think of when your brain is fully formed?'

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."