Academic Humor Lover Gifts

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'What did you put down for the definition of plagiarism?'

"I'm honored to share my research at your virtual academic conference."

'...In the future, please refrain from answering 'duh' on the easier questions.'

'You're not very sharp, are you?'

"Your research is impressive, but you have too many original ideas to be credible..."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

A farmer has an incredible educational background.

'You know we can't give you a raise right now, but I'll put you on the honor roll.'

"He's the original absent-minded professor."

"Why do I always get stuck with being the guardian angel to someone who can't seem to finish his Ph.D.?"

"well, you did spell your name correctly!"

"That's not plagiarism. It's a replica."

When geographers and geometrists hang out.

'I like to see their reactions when I have a member of the cafeteria staff collect their dissertation projects.'

Hugh Trevor-Roper

Not publishing at your university? Is that what they mean when they say they're cracking down on white collar crime?

'I'm sorry, Professor Johnson is not picking up. I can put you through to the equally eccentric Professor Williams if you would like?'

'Well yes, the Lab's research output was down last year, but the whole year was pretty much wasted doing paperwork for the Science Review...'

'I had my college transcripts adjusted for grade inflation.'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

A Puppet Named Juan

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'Do years 4, 5 and 6 cover the other foot?'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

"I'm taking 'moving back in with the parents' studies."

Master's Degrees of the Universe

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'