Academic Humor Enthusiasts Gifts

"As a summation of our work it's pretty accurate...apart from the beginning, middle and end of all the words in between!"

How to get published

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Physical or Social Science?'

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

Man behind stage to lady about professor with person under podium: 'That's Professor Allen's understudy.'

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

"Eureka! The key of H!"

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

Books on running a successful school,

"Yeah, but good luck getting it peer-reviewed."

We like to show the endowment to newly tenured professors.

'Agreed, 'Laplace Algebra Matrix Expansion' is a good topic, but we'd better find a better acronym if we want to secure a Research Grant...'