Academic Humorists Gifts

"I plagiarized my report because I thought it bears repeating."

'Did he actually win a 'Genius Grant' for his study 'Can money buy happiness'?'

'Sure, he got a college degree, but it's in 'Neanderthal Studies.''

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Physical or Social Science?'

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

'I'm taking the 'learn from my mistakes' approach to education.'

Digital TV presents "It's true there really is a channel for everyone"

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

"Eureka! The key of H!"

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."