Academic Humorists Gifts

"I plagiarized my report because I thought it bears repeating."

'Did he actually win a 'Genius Grant' for his study 'Can money buy happiness'?'

'Sure, he got a college degree, but it's in 'Neanderthal Studies.''

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

Next semester I have "The Frito-lay

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

University. I never really understood geometry until the instructor brought up pizzas.

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'I'm taking the 'learn from my mistakes' approach to education.'

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

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