Academic Humourist Gifts

"Peace studies...pah! I've got a degree in self righteousness studies"

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

Freind: 'Misspelled, anything helps.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"Is this a 'GOTCHA' question?"

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Math Teacher

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

Four olives and a toothpick on Newton's Cradle.

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"Class, this is David. He's our new financial exchange student."

Dept. of Engineering. It's a well-written paper, but a "gyroscope" is not a device for looking at tiny Greek sandwiches.

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Did you know there's a river in Brazil named after Amazon?'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Hard or soft science?'

'People, get a half-life!'

'Physical or Social Science?'

"The battle of Gettysburg? Uh. . . let me check my civil war app."

University. I never really understood geometry until the instructor brought up pizzas.

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.