Scholarly Humor Enthusiast Gifts

Recovering Academics

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

Trappist Monk Discord

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'What does it say, Dad?'

Jack London

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

HELLth Food Sprouts

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

'Carl Jung loses it...' 'don't tell me I made a Freudian slip - it's a Jungian slip!'

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.