University Graduate Humorist Gifts

'FOR THIS I WENT TO COLLEGE?'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Thirty years in academia and all I got was this chair.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Reviewing a Scientific Paper - Etiquette for References.

'Oh that?... It has nothing to do with the formula; it just makes the whole thing seem less grumpy.'

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.