Graduation Humorist Gifts

Graduate receives a Certificate of Participation.

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

A credit to his species...

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

'I'm taking the 'learn from my mistakes' approach to education.'

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

Now Firing.

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

'Welcome graduates, parents, guests, faculty, and home equity loan officers.'

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

'My school has a very strict detention policy.'

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

Breakfast at Universities

The Principal of Inertia.

I will not chew gum in class, even sugarless....

Undergraduate and don

Bovine Proctology Graduation

'I'm sorry...we're not sure you're self obsessed enough.'