College Graduate Humor Gifts

'Welcom home from college, son. Now go clean your room.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'The Great Depression? Didn't they have Prozac then?'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I took a couple of years off after college to work on my smirk.'

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

T-Rex as a graduation speaker. Everything was going well until someone in the first row moved!"

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

Now Firing.

'Welcome graduates, parents, guests, faculty, and home equity loan officers.'

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

'9K a year!? It's an outrage! At my level of attendance that's 3K per lecture!'

Little known fact: I spent a semester at Reed College in Portland. "Little known facts" are supposed to be momentous. Well, the little known fact is, while I was there, I asked a lady out

Bovine Proctology Graduation

"I'd like to propose a bill to the effect that we can remain freshmen indefinitely."

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

'I'm sorry...we're not sure you're self obsessed enough.'

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

Talk the talk...

'I got a darn D-plus, and that's WITH cheating!'

'I'm still trying to decide if I should join the workforce or get my masters in staying.'

'My son is away at college, majoring in communications. He never calls and he never writes.'

'Who knew college would prep me for a first class upgrade?'

"Here's my final exam. My lawyer said I didn't have to answer any of these questions."

Cards for All Occasions. Wedding. Get Well. Grads. Congrats. Friendship. Birthday. One "graduation" and one "condolences" … He's afraid of the real world.

'I'm with the Campus Police, ma'am... we had a tip than someone in this dorm may be reading for pleasure.'

The Pi Advantage

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'