Higher Ed Humor Enthusiast Gifts

'Son, meet Hard Luck Sammy Fleabeard. He had the same major you're about to declare.'

'Hmph. College kids.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'Do years 4, 5 and 6 cover the other foot?'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

"I'm taking 'moving back in with the parents' studies."

'And in conclusion.'

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

Books on running a successful school,

"And then after high school, I spent twelve years in college and majored in procrastination."

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.

"As a summation of our work it's pretty accurate...apart from the beginning, middle and end of all the words in between!"

"I'd like to propose a bill to the effect that we can remain freshmen indefinitely."

Old McDonald, first grader, fails English.

Young man standing with hands in pockets because it is the fashion at his college

'It's not a designer pin. It's actually a medal the Principal gave me for backing up my hard drive.'

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

"Your research is impressive, but you have too many original ideas to be credible..."

"Why do I always get stuck with being the guardian angel to someone who can't seem to finish his Ph.D.?"

'I'm sorry, Professor Johnson is not picking up. I can put you through to the equally eccentric Professor Williams if you would like?'

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

'What did you put down for the definition of plagiarism?'

"I'm honored to share my research at your virtual academic conference."

'Your evaluation is based on what you do in the next 30 seconds. Go!'