Higher Ed Humorist Gifts

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"It's a large gift - a very large gift. So the question is: do we rename ourselves 'Aunt Tilly's Frozen Fish University'?"

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

'This qualifies you to make educated guesses.'

"Even though it's an honorary degree, we have to bill you for 4 years of tuition."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Freind: 'Misspelled, anything helps.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"Check it out! In nature, females are in charge...they select their mates!"

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

"Is this a 'GOTCHA' question?"

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

Math Teacher

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

Four olives and a toothpick on Newton's Cradle.

"Class, this is David. He's our new financial exchange student."

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'People, get a half-life!'

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"The battle of Gettysburg? Uh. . . let me check my civil war app."

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

'I think I have aixelsyd.'