Student By Day, Comedian By Night Gifts

"I don't mind being the teacher's pet, but I don't want to be micro-chipped!"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

"I'm the Class Clown fish."

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I would love to run for class president, but I'm concerned about the vetting process. I once faked sleep during nap time in pre-school.'

Don't you hate...

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

'I'm on the short degree course... hell of a lot to pack into one year!'

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Scientists continue their research on the Hippocampus.

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"What did you study in school today, Gracie?"

"Yes, next year you'll be moving from classroom to classrooms, and, no, it doesn't count as PE."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

"I think our daughter should change her major. She can now ask for money in 3 different languages!"

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

'The principal is keeping my teacher after school. She kicked the computer.'

Popular college book: How to say 'Send money' in 101 languages.

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

"Mom, Dad, college changed me."

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'