Comedian Wannabe Gifts

"It's your real-estate agent. She says she may have found you a higher ledge."

"Apparently God is not particularly fond of the whoopie cushion."

There comes a time, little buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous.

To absent friends. Yours or mine?

COMPUTER DATING SERVICE, 'I'm not sure we have a girl with THAT good a sense of humor.'

Lou spent 35 years in custody for a crime he didn't commit. When he got out he robbed a bank � to show them he still had his sense of humor.

'Everything's a joke to you Fuscos! Even water retention!'

'I hope he doesn't pick on ME!'

'Do you have a name?'

'If you must know, I forgot to order the fish!'

Former class clown and his sidekick torment the substitute waitress.

Mail and Femail restrooms for envelopes.

'Well if you don't get it, you should stand for parliament!'

"I'm afraid the Will Ferrell quotes and hilarious duck impressions just aren't covering your low productivity levels any more, Ted."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Zombie standup

Showbiz Awards

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's always my intention to leave you laughing."

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

12 O'clock was 'I'm a tractor time.'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"