Comedian-to-be Pillows

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Three more years of high school."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Rap music

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

A private jet takes off

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

Exit Next Left

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

Clubbing

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

Ostrich's head buried into a pile of sand containing a woman