Future Comedian Pillows

'Remember, never let adults know summer vacation can sometimes be boring or they may make it shorter.'

"We’re not ‘imposing sanctions,’ Ben – we asked you to clean your room."

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

'I can't play. I'm going 'Time Out Chair' shopping with my mom.'

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Three more years of high school."

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

"We can speak freely now. I've encrypted the line."

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

'Hello. My father is an attorney. This is how I allegedly spent my summer vacation.'

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."