Future Sitcom Star Pillows

"Of course, now I'm just a class clown, but eventually I'd like my own sitcom."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

"Birth, bed, bath, beer, bankruptcy, bifocals, balding and beyond."

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

"When I grow up, I want to be a Presidential impersonator on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

'I'm at that awkward age when I can't read my own handwriting. Do they teach penmanship in college?'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

Mail and Femail restrooms for envelopes.

'I've learned that adding water to coffee only weakens the effect.'

"There are several words I could use to describe your condition, but I'm leaning towards whiney."

"It's your real-estate agent. She says she may have found you a higher ledge."

Waiting to be discovered, or taken to work, whichever comes first...

'I can't play. I'm going 'Time Out Chair' shopping with my mom.'

'I hope he doesn't pick on ME!'

'Remember, never let adults know summer vacation can sometimes be boring or they may make it shorter.'

"Your S.A.T. score was 13. Have you considered clown college?"

'The dog ate my homework -- I thought maybe you could X-ray him.'

Former class clown and his sidekick torment the substitute waitress.

Little Moray's bath toys.

'When you hold this shell to your ear, you can hear my Mum snoring.'

'I don't have a CV as such, but here is a list of my former employers...'

'The reason your mom wears combat boots - and I talk about this in my book...'

"What is it, Lassie? You say Connor both smelt it and dealt it?!"

"He's chasing his dreams."