Stand-up Comedian Hopeful Pillows

"Thanks! I'll be here all night."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

They hated me.

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

Snowprov

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Three more years of high school."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

'Hello. My father is an attorney. This is how I allegedly spent my summer vacation.'

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies

'Grownups are stupid! How can you be good and have fun?'

"I'm you, from the future, here to deliver a witty comeback line."

"I'm the Grin Reaper."

"When I grow up, I want to be a Presidential impersonator on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."