Stand-up Comedian Hopeful Mugs

"Thanks! I'll be here all night."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

They hated me.

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

Snowprov

"Three more years of high school."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

'It's a farton, fartoff lamp!'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

'I considered running away, but since I'll probably be living at home until I'm 38, it's a bad career move.'

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Hello. My father is an attorney. This is how I allegedly spent my summer vacation.'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."

'Grownups are stupid! How can you be good and have fun?'

"I'm the Grin Reaper."

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

"I'm you, from the future, here to deliver a witty comeback line."

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."