Aspiring Stand-up Star Mugs

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

Come on! They're posting the spring musical. I can't wait! I want a romantic part! With and elegant gown. Good luck with that! We're doing "Cats."

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

'Hey guys?. . . Help us think what Dale could do for his '15 minutes of fame.''

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

Mr. K's essay is such a drag! Yeah, but I've got to do really well. Twig! You're such a grind! Am not! Life isn't only about grades. I know! But he's directing the spring musical. And my singing won't get me the part all by itself! English: Gateway to the Grammys.

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Top Ten Hit

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Directors chairs on movie set with Model, Actress, and Whatever on them

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

Nick Offerman

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies

"This area is popular with would-be actresses and models,we call it 'Silicon Implants'."

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

Bob Monkhouse

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

"When I grow up, I want to be a Presidential impersonator on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

Amy Schumer

'I've learned that adding water to coffee only weakens the effect.'

"There are several words I could use to describe your condition, but I'm leaning towards whiney."

'I was only famous for 14 and a half minutes.'

"I promised myself I would never let this happen to me."

Dara O' Briain

'I can't play. I'm going 'Time Out Chair' shopping with my mom.'

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

Ventriloquism for Dummies.