Humorist In Adversity Gifts

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"I just hope the world doesn't end before people can see our outfits."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

"Roadkill cookies"

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

'I told you not to order the chocolate cream surprise.'

"You say we atheists are going to Hell? Look at all the f**ks we give... Go ahead... Look at them all."

"What do cows do in their spare time?"

'Before we begin, let me see what my fortune cookie says.'

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'

"Cheese is just a substitute for the love you've never given me."

Yet another creepy clown sighting...

'Peanuts, popcorn, steroids!'