Humorist In Adversity Pillows

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"I just hope the world doesn't end before people can see our outfits."

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

"Roadkill cookies"

300 cows in a field...grazing!

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

'I told you not to order the chocolate cream surprise.'

"You say we atheists are going to Hell? Look at all the f**ks we give... Go ahead... Look at them all."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"What do cows do in their spare time?"

Man in a tortoise shell visiting a psychiatrist.

'Before we begin, let me see what my fortune cookie says.'

"Time to administer scout leader first aid protocol..."

"Cheese is just a substitute for the love you've never given me."

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'